Monthly Archives: February 2015

Projector Bitterness Is Not a Curse

barbed wire fenceWhen Human Design Projectors experience the not-self theme of bitterness it’s like a barbed wire fence which hinders the flow of connection and invitations.  Recently a Projector asked me how to get rid of bitterness.  She saw it very clearly in herself and it was eating her up.  As we worked together it became clear that the deep conditioning in her open centers was fueling much of her bitterness.  Because she was newly embarking upon her Human Design experiment much of this conditioning was coming up in technicolor to facilitate her awareness of it.  In time the bitterness will abate, but for now it is her best friend that let’s her know when and how she is out of balance with her true nature.  It’s not a curse or a punishment.  It’s an integral part of the Projector’s guidance system.

The not-self theme is always present.  It’s like the underlying go-to emotion in everyone’s life regardless of your Human Design type.  It doesn’t matter how “good” you get at following your strategy.  It never goes away.  I have observed the natural frustration in Generators, the anger which rises in Manifestors and of course the bitterness which exudes from Projectors, sometimes when they don’t know it themselves.  Regardless of your type, when you’re following your strategy the emotional ground substance embodied in your theme will eventually no longer control you.  It will become a very valuable part of you which lets you know when you’re off track or not taking care of yourself.

As a Projector it’s not always easy to see when bitterness is coming up.  And depending on the baggage of past conditioning that you’re experiencing in the present moment, it’s not always easy to identify or deal with bitterness as it crops up.  Sometimes it consumes you, and unlike the client who knew it was eating her up, it may just be the sea that you swim in without even knowing.  We’re not here to know ourselves.  We’re here to know others.  But the knowing of others can get way out of balance when you have a lot of openness in your chart or unhealed pain from the past.  When you carry your conditioning unconsciously, or when you are weighed down by years of painful baggage, bitterness becomes a poison rather than a truth serum.

Do you feel like bitterness is a curse?  Does it overwhelm or elude you?  You’re invited to join us for a four part course especially for Human Design Projectors:

“Transform Bitterness to Embrace Joy”

butterfly flower

 

February Projector Teleconference

February Projector Teleconference!  You’re invited to listen to the recording.  We discussed self-projected / G authority, the open centers, deconditioning and bitterness.

Bitterness to Joy Program

 

 Donation-Tips 2 Optional Contribution: Participation in the teleconference is open to all Human Design Projectors free of charge. The opportunity to make a small monetary contribution is available as an option if you would like to exchange this type of energy to express gratitude and enhance the flow of prosperity in your life. Your optional contribution is greatly appreciated and goes help offset the cost of delivering these teleconferences. 

Undefined Sacral Gone Wild – Projector Exhaustion

You have probably figured out that as a Human Design Projector with an undefined or open sacral center it’s really difficult to know when enough is enough.  This note was roughed out last week while I was waiting for my car to be serviced.  It is an attempt to chronicle and share my experience with Projector exhaustion before the freshness of it left me.

Thursday February 4, 2014

It is Thursday morning.  My undefined sacral has been on a binge of activity since 3:45 am on Wednesday.  In the past 30 hours I have had about 9 hours of sleep… 5 hours last night and 4 hours the night before.  But instead of feeling that I am at the crashing point I feel more like I’m compulsively driven to keep going.  This is a dangerous place for a Human Design Projector.  My undefined sacral could easily continue to take in and amplify the sacral energy of others, eventually burning me completely out, if I let it.  I will not let that happen, because I am aware of the dynamic, and will bring myself down to a place of balance over the next couple of days.  But first permit me to share how this happened….

My Generator husband, who works away from home 3 weeks at a time, had to leave on a 5:20 flight on Wednesday morning.  I am his designated driver.  So at 3:45 we were up and headed for the car.  When I returned home I immediately went back to bed, but was unable to sleep.  My Manifesting Generator stepson who is a senior in high school, was up early doing his homework.  Even though he was doing his best to be quiet, the energy of his 3 motors which connect to his throat permeated the house.  There was no way I was going back to sleep.  It turned out that my stepson did’t feel well, and as the sun rose, he needed to discuss his need to go to the doctor and stay home from school.

exhausted catI normally have a ritual on “change-over day”… the day my husband goes back to work, which involves resting, rebooting and doing a general energy cleanse of his sacral influence.  It requires that I have at least a few hours alone during the day to discharge and release energy.  Needless to say that didn’t happen.  Here’s what did happen … Being all revved up from exhaustion and the extra infusion of motorized energy in the house (from my stepson’s unexpected stay at home) I was extremely active during the day.  When I get over-tired I get really active (unless my root pulse goes off … which it didn’t).  So Thursday was filled with activity.  I even took our dog for a long walk, did grocery shopping and created a video.  Well around midnight I finally made myself get ready for bed.  But guess what happened when I got in bed?  You guessed it… I couldn’t sleep!  It was after 1:00 when I finally got to sleep.  And just like clockwork, our dog awakened me at 7:00 this morning to go outside.

As I lay in bed early this morning trying to grab a few more moments of rest before getting up for my car appointment, I had that scrambled in the head kind of feeling … like part of my brain was on overdrive, part of it was sleeping and part of it was sputtering on and off.  I knew I pushed myself past the point of no return.  It feels like my body just isn’t right… like my ability to think and be alert is only partially functioning.  My body is tired but feels unable to slow down.  In general it feels like all my parts are sputtering along in several different directions.  A total collapse would feel welcome at this point, but that’s not how it normally goes for me.  It’s like I have to car that lost it’s brakes down a steep hill for a while until I can find a place to pull over. If I don’t pull myself gently over, I will have a total collapse which will take weeks for me to recover.

So I could blame my imbalance and exhaustion on my husband’s early flight, or the presence of my stepson when I needed alone time.  But, truth be told, I set myself up way ahead of time.  A week before my husband’s departure I got lazy about sleeping in my own space, and decided to sleep in the same bed with my husband.  (If you didn’t know about sleeping alone to keep your aura clear … it is really worth the experiment)  Sometimes I can get away with this practice when I go to bed several hours before my night owl husband and awaken and get out of bed several hours before him.  But this time our clocks were synchronized and I was retiring later and sleeping later than usual.  So by the time we got to Tuesday night (the night before he left) when we had to go to bed early, I had trouble sleeping.  I attempted to unwind before he came to bed, but it was too late.  I could feel how I wasn’t ready to sleep.  And I could feel how his motorized energy was affecting me.  I could feel how my energy field wasn’t fully discharged.  The truth was that, because I had not been discharging my energy all along I was half full already!

So the moral of the story? … Practice impeccable self-care and sleep hygiene at all times…

Exhaustion on couch

I know… easier said than done right?  Well the next best thing I can do is to turn this around before it gets too much more out of hand.  The next 2 days are going to be recalibration days where I consciously unplug, bring myself down and discharge my “undefined sacral gone wild” It starts with an epsom salts bath when I get home …. doing only what absolutely needs to be done in my business and around the house…. getting to sleep early tonight  by getting cozy in bed waaaayyyy before my planned bedtime… relaxing and drinking chamomile tea.  Then tomorrow morning I will spend a luxurious amount of time in bed… reading … relaxing … stretching… then follow up with another epsom salt bath.  And what about the presence of the triple motorized Manifesting Generator?  My sweet, sensitive stepson got a tv for his bedroom for Christmas …hallelujah!  One of these days I’ll write about how he actually needs all that noise and activity to thrive.  But for tonight I will ask him to take his activity to his room so I can have some space to come back to me.

For another great article about Projector exhaustion Click Here

Setting Boundaries in Relationships – An Emotional Authority Projector’s Experience

Submitted by Robin Rainbow Gate.  This is her story of how she set boundaries with her mother from the wisdom of what she has learned about herself through Human Design.  Robin has an emotional decision making authority, so alludes to the nuances of her feelings as she experiences them in her body.  

Hds Chart Rainbow-Gate, Robin 19611102 00082500

Jan 28, 2015

I have observed super-passivity in my life. I have felt victim to the taking on and in of people’s emotions and the energy of their thoughts. This feels miserable, uncomfortable and unpleasant the majority of the time. I came to dislike, resent and avoid people for their perceived danger. My experience being that most people walk around with negativity and unpleasantness radiating around them. I believed that  to be around them meant I would have no choice but to absorb and experience their yuck and ouch.

I was brought up with emotionally punitive negative feedback for feelings other than happiness. I received no training and found feelings dangerous. Whether I was feeling someone else’s feelings or whether their feelings reflected to me my own disowned, feared and stuffed ones – I have feared and pushed feelings away.

Since learning I am a Human Design Projector about a year ago, I am understanding that I am meant to observe, learn and serve through wisdom and guidance. I am learning that my open centers make me sensitive to the feelings and vibrations put out by others and that  I am designed to feel and learn from these, so that I can later be of service. I’m beginning to have a new attitude towards the unpleasant, uncomfortable energy I can’t help but tune in to. It’s not me, it’s not mine, I do need to feel it, I do not need to take it on or in as “me.” This new information makes living in the world which is inevitably amongst others, more tolerable as I now view it as inocuous, temporary, and for a higher purpose – so I can help in the future.

Lately, I have been questioning how and when to speak up, in the context of having an open throat center. I have a pattern (and gift) of listening deeply and quietly. People feel safe with me and share openly. I feel I don’t know anything about life, living or emotions, so their stories are gifts to me: I learn by listening and feel safer riding on their winds, with them steering, me being taken along as a passenger. More of my extreme passivity. Lately, though, I have had several occasions where I chose silence when I really had something strong to say. I felt remorseful, afterwards: my presence and power had wanted to come forth and out of habit and fear, I didn’t speak my truth.

With this question about speaking at the forefront of my mind and heart, recent experiences have brought long awaited changes:  I’m learning to feel the feelings that pass through me as my own, rather than rejecting them as “theirs” or as having the power to contaminate and take over. I’ve decided to take to heart and open to the concept that everything I experience outside of me is a reflection of me on the inside. As a result, I’m growing in love and compassion for myself, forgiveness and acceptance of my little girl, my parents, and the divine, all of whom I have been quite angry with and blaming of.

Into the mix is a growing and developing ability to set boundaries. The old passivity, which partially stemmed from believing I had no choice, no power, and no deserving, is dissolving away as I recognize and speak up on behalf of my limits.

Last week, I told my mom I would not make her a rice cake, turkey and guacamole  open face sandwhich. She’d been devestatingly depressed and was about to get fired by her physical therapist as her attitude was preventing her physical progress, necessary for Medicare to continue paying for the help. She had been hiding or sulking in her brown recliner for months, barely leaving the four walls of her apartment, losing confidence in her ability to walk, mourning the loss of urinary continence and control of her life in general. She was in the wide “end zone”, wavering between choosing life and choosing death. When her PT made it clear that my mom’s obstacle was mental and emotional and not physical, it effected my approach to my mom. I had been with her open-heartedly, affirming her sadness and fear as natural grieving at this stage of her life. Increasingly, though, as she sank deeper into the bottom of  her depression, a new energy emerged:  she was almost gleeful at all the help she could now ask for. Red flag for me. As a child I felt her suck out my beautiful energy to feed herself.

The afternoon  before the denied turkey and rice cake, she had looked up at me smiling, “I need constant supervision.” Wheeling her around in a wheelchair when it was a choice and not a necessity did not garner long-term sympathy from me. Later, asking me to make her a rice cake sandwhich for dinner instead of eating the hot one that was being made for her by the cook at her assisted living facility, where she would eat among others in the dining room, was the last straw. It was first time I had set a boundary with my mom, and practically with anyone. I told her I would not. I would not support her going back to her four walls, not seeing people, not eating a proper meal. I told her that I was saturated with her fear and depression and not doing anything to help herself. I congratulated her for asking for what she wanted, and said, “I’m not angry, but just because you ask, doesn’t mean I’m on the same page. “  I kissed her on her cheek and left, saying, “I’m leaving now. I’ll check in tomorrow.” I had no choice but to do what I did. I felt it in every cell of my body, which would literally not permit me to make her that snack in her apartment. To do so would have been calluding and enabling and I would not do that.  Walking home, at first I felt amazed and proud. Had I really done that? Soon enough, though, the elation was replaced with fear about being mean, insensitive, cruel, that my sisters would fire me from the caretaking of my mom.

The next day, in the throes of self-doubt and anger which had welled up, I wasn’t ready to see my mom yet, but guilt had me go over anyhow. Intuitively directed to enter the facility a different way than I normally do, I came upon a surprising vision through the dining room windows: out in the garden where the green chairs and gliders were, was my mom, sitting there with her wide brim white hat and sunglasses, looking straight ahead. She wasn’t joining in the conversation with the other ladies, but she was outside, breathing fresh air, and had gotten there herself – both physically and emotionally. I took in the vision and decided to leave her to her new experience. I left without her knowing I had been there.

The next day, when I felt calm enough to see her, we talked about what had happened. I reiterated that I didn’t refuse to prepare her food out of anger, but because I had reached a limit with her. Meanwhile, the boundary I had set and tortured myself over during the past few days, had affected a change in my mom: she decided to try, to put forth effort, to be more positive. She had been going out to the garden by herself everyday. She did this on her own, which is the only way any change happens, but I know that me saying “No,” when I needed to, had had a positive effect. As scary as it has been for me to go against the flow of whoever I’m in relationship with,  I saw positive effects from my being true to myself. Being true meant trusting, speaking up for and counting myself. Seeing how the boundary setting with my mom had turned out to be a good thing, gave me permission and confidence to let the guilt go.

Since then, Mom has been much more positive. Her walking and ability to get up and sit down have improved exponentially. Her thoughts are still confused, but her mental energy is more lively.

Today I taught her an exercise I do, which can be applied literally to any thought and the feeling it produces. I ask, “how do I want to feel when I think about ____?” Then I go inside the body and feel the response. I love the speed and simplicity of this tool, through which I overlay new feelings on top of the topics I’ve been applying fear and negativity to. We practiced many times and I surprised and delighted my mom with how many things she could apply it to. “How do I want to feel when I think about going to dinner? When I think about talking to my cousin Burt who’s dying of kidney failure? When I think about incontinence? When I think about being helped? When I walk into the dining room?” I suggested. She wasn’t able to feel her emotions in her body, but came up with words instead. “I don’t think I have the powers to do it like you,” she said. “How do you want to feel when you think about not having the powers to do the exercise the way I do?” I replied.  Her eyebrows lifted as she took that in.

Within minutes, though, she started to go down the hole of negativity again and I stood up and said, “Ready to go out? Let’s go!” She looked up at me and I looked her in the eyes and said, “I am not going down that hole with you again.”

“I don’t know what hole you’re talking about.”

“The hole you spiral down when you get negative. I’m not going there with you.”

“No one said you have to.”

“Well, if I’m here with you and you’re in that place, it’s hard not to. Shall we go to the dining room?”

“Were you leaving anyway?” she asked, thinking I was angry with her and leaving.
“I wasn’t planning on it. I hadn’t thought about when I’ll leave. Come on, I’ll take you to the dining room!”

“Will you sit with me?”
“I’d be glad to.”

I got us up and out and she had a big dinner in the dining room.

Feeling victorious, grateful and relieved to have set my second boundary with my mom, I reflect, “What accounts for this miracle?” Perhaps, at least in part, through my daily morning spiritual routine which includes a Projector morning meditation (learned from Sandy Freschi,) my true self is growing in strength and presence: as I go through the deconditioning process, (and calling it so,) I am learning new and functional ways to deal with emotions and others through awareness and acceptance of my open centers, and emerging experience of self and not-self.

Robin

Robin Rainbow Gate

www.robinrainbowgate.com
www.lifeworksvideo.com

www.facebook.com/RobinsAuthenticIndianCuisine

LifeWorks Photos: www.zazzle.com/Rainbowgate*