Dear Fellow Projectors:
I’ve been meaning to write you for a while- but I guess it wasn’t “time” yet. Lol.
As synchronicity would have it, Sandy and I connected (on Imbolic (more on that later) and caught up. We discussed our recent “professional” shifts and the “projector” challenges we both (many of us I imagine) share.
As we spoke (or rather-chatted on Messenger) I felt that sweet energy to write a piece about my own journey as of late (it’s been brewing for a while)- and then I vowed to send her an article. How fabulous it was for me when I then read her new article about ROI (Return on Investments)!!!!- WOW –did that hit home and felt like a beautiful segue/affirmation into my own musings.
As many of you know, I am an artist, teacher and Expressive Arts Therapist and a lover (read: student/teacher-champion ) of all things Astrology/Myth and Human Design. Back in 2012 my whole world (mostly professional –but it all collides doesn’t it ?) collapsed. I had just recently discovered Human Design ,and as I’m apt to do- DOVE into that Human Design rabbit hole wholeheartedly. I discovered that I am an emotional projector (5/1)(throat,G,solar and root defined) AND I discovered how much de-conditioning my being would need before this “strategy and authority “ business would make any sense. All the while- my position as Art Director/Art Teacher (in a public charter school) was being pulled out from under me…..
Concurrently, Mighty Chiron (the wounded healer) was just then transiting my natal chart. In retrospect , it was absolutely NECESSARY and a GREAT BLESSING- but that was only for me discover much later in hindsight –of course!
Chiron for those of you who may be unfamiliar , is a centaur/asteroid discovered in 1977 and metaphorically represents where we have been deeply wounded – AND where we (thru Chiron’s wisdom) now have the capacity to heal. He “returns” in our chart (to the place where he was when we were born) around the age of 48-49. In my astrology chart Chiron sits in my second house (house of values) in Pisces. Now the REALLY cool thing is in my Human Design chart He sits in Gate 37 and makes a channel with all my Gate 40 mojo (Uranus and Pluto !!!) . When Chiron returns to our chart AND makes a channel with an otherwise “dangling gate” that center then becomes DEFINED. So, all of the sudden (well- not really –but you know what I mean) I had a defined ego-heart center.
I hit the de-conditioning aspects HARD (despite being warned not to) as I had 2 very powerful Foundational Readings (cuz, one just isn’t enough for me- LOL), learned about my asteroid Goddesses in my chart from the brilliant Kim Gould (having multiple readings with her), had my first PHS session AND had just had an astrological reading with the wonderful Caroline Casey !! Needless to say I spent a whole lot of money – which was exactly what I wanted to do. I INVESTED heavily on the front end of all of this. But, my reasoning was that I could spend the money because I had a secure job (teacher salary on top step + a masters pulls in about 65K here). Admittedly, I was (and still am working on this) not very money savvy. I come from a family of very money savvy GENERATORS, but for me, money was never a motivator to do anything –it was just a means to an end- mostly to afford all the cool internal investigations I wanted to invest in (ok and have great clothes and hair products- LOL) Did I mention that I am also a single mom –whose ex never contributed to the fiscal (or emotional) well-being of me and my son? (that’s another story- for another time.).
So then it happened (like literally on the Ides of March). I found out that my Principal was going to eliminate my position. Without boring you with the grisly details- let’s just say there was a LOT of underhand maneuverings, and I eventually did seek the advice of a lawyer (which then helped to “buy” me a year before I was eliminated)-
BUT from a projector lens here’s what really happened:
The “invitation” I was originally given (back in 2003) from the charter school was from the first Head of Schools, and he definitely sought me out. Like- actually approached me (in the playground one day as I was picking up my son)to head up the Arts Department (which did not yet exist –as the school was the first charter school here in RI) This was before I knew anything about my “projector” wiring -BUT the invitation DID feel good (sort oflol). What is even more interesting for me NOW (14 years later)- is how even back then, there was something disconcerting about the whole thing. It had this “too good to be true” ring to it. We all later found out that our fearless leader was sort of a conman /emperor with no clothes sort of a deal. He left his position (in the dark of the night) ,and the woman who became his successor (who became my new boss) inherited me – as a Director of an Arts program that she really had no interest in supporting. You get the gist- I was energetically un-invited – in a BIG way.
Now at this point I was making good money- but I had major bills and student loans to pay, and my kid was in his own adolescent horrible funk (AND he went to the school that I now taught at and he was ALWAYS “in trouble” .) Everyday I prayed, journaled , did tarot spreads, meditated – YOU NAME IT – I DID IT. But I was perpetually pushing up that heavy (read: BITTER) boulder of absolutely NO RECOGNITION despite everything I was doing to bring the arts to our kids and beautify our school (which by the way- I DID DO AN AMAZING JOB- lol). Oh- and just to make this oh so very poignant-I later discovered that the asteroid Sisyphus is exactly conjunct my Pallas Athene in my Eighth House (other peoples’ money- and SECRETS) in Gate 32 (making a channel with my Design South Node)- and when all this metaphoric shit was hitting the fan- He was actually conjunct my Sun (gate 44) in my progressed chart. (that IS definitely grist for the asteroid article mill I am contemplating..)
Ok. You all get the point. So, for a good 7 years I tried and tried to be the “good generator” despite my true projector nature. I was tired and sad and very bitter. But if you had said that to me 10 years ago I would have balked at that “bitter” word as that is one thing I (and so many of us projectors and WOMEN) in general are trained NEVER TO BE- or admit to being. I was laid off in 2013, and I was sure the PERFECT invitation was right around the corner…..It wasn’t. BUT here’s the GIFT. With no juicy invitations- I learned (ever so painfully sometimes) how to take responsibility for my own JOY and well-being. I was forced to truly WALK my TALK and everyday I went to my favorite café and created art and sipped on good coffee. EVERYDAY. Slowly (“slowly, went the sloth”…) that bitter barbed –wire energetic fence surrounding my auric field (THANK YOU Sandy for your Bitterness to Joy class – that barbed-wire imagery stuck with me (no pun intended – lol- yes, I crack myself up ) began to dissolve.
Friends and family generously assisted me financially and I slowly, slowly discovered my “inner authority/genius” that of course was there all along (#Dorothy) . I’m not going to say it was easy. I’m not going to say I still don’t have occasional backslides into bitterness- BUT I will say this (unequivocally) WAITING has become my friend.
ALL that ‘INVESTING” in myself- my art, my process, my studies (I am a 5/1 profile after all- I gotta go deep (or go home) – PAID OFF.
Imbolic is the cross-quarter ancient Celtic celebration of MidWinter. The Goddess in her Brigit/Inventor/sacred story-teller SELF has awoken from her winter slumber and will soon be emerging as Spring (of course here in the Northern Hemisphere). Metaphorically , I feel Imbolic to truly represent the projectors’ journey. We are awakened and preparing to emerge (with those juicy invitations) – like Spring herself who calls forth the blooming and growing after months of waiting. The ground beneath is not inert , but rather just gathering energy and wisdom – NOR are we projectors –“inert” as we are waiting. We are, when in our authentic nature- waiting in a state of JOY and creative activities. For me- that creative passion comes out in my journals, paintings and musings- we are all unique. Our only “job” is to discover what gives us joy and then –do it. And then- the juicy invitations and recognitions FIND US.
I am currently still creating art and now am the Assistant Manager at Blick Art Supplies in Providence, RI. The store that I work at is literally across the street from the café that I spent (and still spend) everyday (for 2 years) journaling in. I never in a MILLION years could have predicted (or thought I would even desire) this current career trajectory. Turns out- I LOVE selling art supplies(for now) to people. Turns out- I’m really quite good at it. Turns out I don’t miss teaching little kids at all AND without any pushing or prodding, I’ve already been “recognized” by my new “employer” as they chose me for their “Artist Serving Artist” program and even filmed me- you can see it on my newly designed website. Crazy, huh?
So, there you go- a tiny snippet of my conscious projector journey thus far. I am very grateful for all you fellow projectors (Judi, Sandy, Sandi, Lynne, Monica and Maria –just to name a few) who have encouraged and supported me (in all kinds of wondrous ways) – we surely need each other – now, more than ever. I invite you all to check out my new website (thanks to Judi Spiers for building the framework and Maria Lyra for bringing my vision into an amazing virtual reality) you can find me at : www.thejournalqueen.com