A lot of Human Design Projectors struggle with the concept of bitterness. And the question that often comes up in the Projector community is “How do I know if I’m bitter?”.
You would think we would know right? But believe it or not, most forms of Projector bitterness go unnoticed. They get internalized to the point where we hide them from ourselves. So initially it could be hard to root out bitterness and see it for what it is. We all know about the ugly, vindictive, hateful word hurdling, resentment festering forms of expression that bitterness can take. But because many of us are high functioning human beings, our expression or experience of bitterness may be so refined and hidden that even we, who harbor it innately in our systems, can’t spot it for what it is.
Why You May Not Know You’re Bitter
Social conventions don’t allow us to walk around spewing hate and discontent indiscriminately out into the atmosphere… that is if we want to be liked and noticed for the good that we put into the world. And Projectors very much want to be noticed… i.e. recognized. And we very much want to put good into the world. Actually our auras are constantly putting good, or whatever we’re radiating, directly into other people. We are naturally created to be helping beings who need other people to accept our wisdom and assistance. So for the most part, we have learned that the only way to do what we do and get what we need is to be nice and sweet.
Well niceness and sweetness only go so far when you’re around people who don’t get you. But we don’t always have avenues to express the true feelings that surface when our helpfulness or our very being is not fully accepted, understood or recognized. Even if we recognize our feelings, we may not have the self esteem or self compassion to manage ourselves in the midst of the harshness we’re experiencing. There also may not be an outlet for our responses and emotions even if we are managing them. So they accumulate and become almost an entity within themselves. We split them off from who we believe ourselves to be. This is often called the “shadow” in psychology and personal growth world.
If you’re grappling with seeing how bitterness shows up in your life, think back to the last time someone cut you off in mid-sentence or talked over you. Or try to remember a time when you were expressing yourself and the other person in the room just didn’t hear you. What did you feel? If it was unpleasant it was probably bitterness. The bigger question is what did you do with that feeling? If you got louder, indignant or angry, this is bitterness in it’s full expression. If you swallowed your pain or tried to ignore it, you cast those feelings into the shadows of your awareness.
What would it be like to be relaxed and happy for real? … to find yourself naturally gravitating toward people who stop and listen to you, rather than cut you off … to no longer be affected by those family members and old relationships where you felt you had to either suck it up and shut up or endure the wrath of endless battles to be seen?
Bitterness can be like a poison when you aren’t recognizing it. It can take you down when it lurks in the shadows. It’s like a silent killer of the joy, vitality and natural attractiveness that is so essential for Projectors to live.